Thank God for it! Turns out my friends are too afraid to tell me what shite my query letter is but, luckily, the post on The Public Query Slushpile garnered very useful critiques from people I've never met (but would love to buy them a round).
So, after several hours of re-working the letter based on the sage advice of an objective (and no doubt well-read) audience, I posted draft 2. Don't be shy, people. Tell me it still sucks. I can take it. And if you're afraid of the size of my well-developed, Eastern European biceps, you can post a comment anonymously...
I do agree we have different approaches, so again I have offered my comments. :) And, prosze bardzo, as the Poles would say. You caught on quickly!
ReplyDeleteI like this letter a lot more; don't let my comments say differently. You now have a veryyy engaging hook, but I'm still struggling with the body--the rule is approximately three sentences for quick, efficient summary; don't bog it down with unnecessary back story.
"In THE GRACES OF MERCY & CIRCUMSTANCE, three childhood friends, now mothers in their late thirties, commit an act of vigilantism against a complete stranger when they become convinced he has abused his stepdaughter and murdered his wife."
I'm still not sure how I feel about using your title right off the bat. Personally, I would prefer jumping right to the "Three friends..." I think you can also leave out "now mothers in their late thirties" until later as well in order to get that hook out asap. Otherwise, this catches my attention right away and I definitely want to read on, which is why I think the quicker, the better.
I'll be back later! Cheers!
"The three women are swept up by their newfound sense of control and power while they plot against the man,..."
I don't think this is necessary. If you choose to sweep it in, I want to know exactly what their plans include--at least a part of their actual to-be-executed plan.
"...but their so-called “perfect plan” goes terribly awry during execution and they discover, only when it’s too late, that they didn’t know all the facts."
Who tells them? What do they find? Being concrete, I think, is key.
I've read many times that agents are looking for clues about the conflict, especially the decision-making process. When you mention the womens' relationship(s), what do they have decide individually? As part of the team? Why do we care about them and their involvement in this investigation?
"In the end, the man at the center of the women’s vigilantism has a history and identity that none of the women could ever have imagined."
Be more specific. Perhaps give him a name?
"The story starts with Karin, Alaina, and Trisha as children. When they reunite decades later, Karin faces unimaginable grief with the death of her only child in a car accident in which her husband was driving in the direction toward his mistress’ house. Trisha confronts her own childhood traumas involving an alcoholic mother, a father she has never met, molestation by her grandfather, and the fear that the daughter she gave up for adoption when she was a teenager could, in any way possible, be in harm’s way because of Trisha’s self-perceived abandonment. Alaina, on the other hand, struggles with the guilt of her past failure to speak out against her adopted father who was engaged in the sexual abuse of boys and, then later, the secret and questionable paternity of her oldest child."
I think that you could summarize this in one sentence and included it at the top--"All of the women are struggling with ghosts of their past, which serve as their motivation" or something like that, because this is back story and doesn't belong in a query. Also, adding in a few details at the top will elongate this letter pretty swiftly regardless.
"After Alaina’s son reveals that one of his classmates has run away from home because of the horrific deeds of her stepfather, the women’s weekly “girls’ night out” takes on a whole new and tragic misplacement of energy."
I don't understand how this fits in with the rest of the query?
"This 83,000-word manuscript of commercial women’s fiction is set within small towns in British Columbia, Canada due to my life-long familiarity with the landscape."
This is fine.
"Although I am an unpublished novelist, I have an entrenched fascination with all the trouble presumably “average” people get themselves into—due, in no small part, to my past work history writing investigative narratives of the professional and personal misconduct of lawyers. Take years summarizing indiscretions and bad decision-making (including fraudulent investment schemes, criminal charges of public indecency and unlawful confinement of minors, and run-of-the mill impaired driving and assault convictions), throw in a degree in English literature, and a work of fiction was destined to come to fruition."
I have a few small nitpicks about this: Don't mention you're unpublished. Narrow down your experience with the history of lawyers. Degree is fine (from what university?). I don't like the last part--"and a work of fiction..."; it doesn't fit.
"I'd be more than happy to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration."
Fine.